My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
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My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said