I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
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The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am