Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Grandmother clock.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me