I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
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When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.