My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
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it be like that
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
who did the taste test?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
This rocks
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?