The Bachelorette… but for cats.
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If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I don’t get marriage
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
and this one
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…