911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
You Might Also Like
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from