so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
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You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
If looks could kill
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.