*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My neck, my back, my…
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
where the womens at?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.