Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
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listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?