Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
first you must answer his riddles
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”