Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
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Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.