When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
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Does anything good ever escape from a lab
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment