Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
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Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”