I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
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Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
greetings!
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.