Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!