White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
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Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.