Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
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when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?