Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
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A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
i wish all
whales
a very
big
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*