I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
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If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms