All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
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SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I’d love this…lol
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.