[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
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there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My first son he is wonderful
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata