British people be like I’m Bri ish
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I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
can’t talk my ride’s here
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE