ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
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I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Finally a use for spoilers…
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.