My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
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Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.