the clam before the storm
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If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same