[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
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My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Just why bro?!
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room