Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
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Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here