Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
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My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.