Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
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Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”