One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
relationship goals
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
what kind of cook setting is this??
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.