“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
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Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more