The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
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establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
some Old Testament wisdom