My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”