Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
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Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Never forget.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.