Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
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watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
i actually laughed 😩
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
The Book. The Movie.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney