Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
You Might Also Like
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
#MeanwhileinCanada
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Confused owl: What?!
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.