Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
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I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.