A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
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*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio