I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
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wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Florida man
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
i meant to share this earlier
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.