True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
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[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.