I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
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Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
When someone says you are so lazy
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.