14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
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Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.