“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
You Might Also Like
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman