Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
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Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!