(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
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Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes