[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
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the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.