ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
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[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.