doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My purse is deeper than some people.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.