Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
You Might Also Like
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.